Monday, February 22, 2010

Save the tiger (from public ignominy)

Tiger of the urban woods (TUW) came out in open , faced the media , mother and the country first time after the -the world knows it all  now- we have spilled the beans   act of his more than 2 baker's dozen   betraying girl friends and the accident his car  had  with a fire hydrant and a tree(a common  urban man would have an uninteresting accident with a girl in the opposite car -point to be noted).
 the most difficult   part must have been to face the mother ,afterall media and country will soon have other things to bother about , but no you cannot run away from your own mother and mother in law ,right?
Since then , TUW has been chased by everyone, I mean,people are curious to know- how on earth?

 How ,could he do that ?
how could, he do that ?
how could he, do that?
how could he do , that?
If you type tiger in google search  you will find  43,000,000 results  against the measely no of 1411  tigers in Indian woods if you search really hard for them . Poor Indian tigers ,imagine their plight , they stand poor second in popularity too. save Indian  tigers, from obscurity atleast.
So, coming back to the TUW , he apologised to the family and friends and wife and kids and most importantly the famous brand owners/CEOs, for the brands  he was endorsing. American being very forgiving(remember Hillary Clinton how magnanimously she forgave her husband when such  a need arised in her marriage and his presidency),  I have little doubt that people will not forgive him eventually  or atleast forget his (mis)adventures off the Golf field.
 Right now TUW has been undergoing a  rehab treatment in Florida and he needs to be left alone there
 (ALONE -OK) .
People are chasing him to ask a thousand questions and hence ,for the benifit of all  the nosy parkers he has answered some FAQs here ......

Q1) what kind of rehab programme have you joined in Florida ? please tell us some details .
A1)  Well! its on the same lines as alcoholics anonymous with a little bit of difference in its treatment .
its called "womenohlics unanimous". It is a comprehensive treatment program which focusses on life style, pschycological help , medications, yoga and even spirituality. Indian philosophy and spirituality has been given  particular emphasis in the  program.

 Q2) what kind of life style changes have  they advised you  ?

A2) Again , its the same as you would suggest to someone who wants to quit drinking or smoking like - don't keep the women at home . if you really want them badly ,you should plan to visit her atleast 200 kms away from your place, the trouble of driving through the traffic , taking a time out from the routine , homely surroundings would discourage you from the craving .another thing is , we are advised to keep off from the company of people(women) who make you vulnerable . we should hang out in the company of men , preferably those who have unconventional inclination or lack of it towards women .

Q3) what are the other activities in this rehab plan?
A3) we have catharasis sessions here wherein many famous people with different careers come and talk about how their career suffered due to the addiction  .like they  had  called Bill Clinton to share his experience about how he was close to impeachment during his presidency term.
Also, I have an inmate , a geriatric guy called ND Tiwari from India who talked about how he was caught by a snoopy camera and had to lose his governer's job recently. There are some Bollywood film stars also  who are undergoing the treatment here .
there is one guy called Aman Verma whose career has ruined because of the addiction and another guy -Shakti Kapoor  whose addiction was soo bad that  even  very old bollywood actresses came to sets with their moms and, these moms being on death beds and not having their  mothers alive had to engage private musclemen for  their security.   this guy ,shakti kapoor is a big time villain in bollywood who   was shown to  rape atleast 3  women per movie .In order to bring a touch of  reality in to his job  he went on to buy a casting couch and practiced on it , as per the scene's demand. Now he is under most intensive treatment here.
then , there is a spiritual leader called  Asa Ram bapu who is also invited here.

Q4) Asaramji? but we have heard that he is also involved in cases of  voilating women ?
A4) Yes , yes .....I mean NO NO .he is not called here for spiritual counselling but for catharasis session only.

Q5) what kind of diet and medication is  prescribed to you ?
A5) I am mostly on a raw diet , like raw onions, garlics and some  offensive smelling raw sea food .
     these foods will prevent me from all those girls who show extra ordinary interest in me.
 medication is mostly to detoxify the body . I am asked to avoid xinseng ,a korean aphrodiasiac and have been given an  antiviagral IV 4 times a day.

Q6) What kind of Pschycological help is given to you so far?
A6) I am told that  acknowledging your mistakes is the  biggest step in the direction of feeling guilt free and start afresh . so I am given many counselling sessions in which I jot down all my sorties  encounters with different girls which I would eventually tell my wife . Obviously I do not remember each one of them so Iam given hypnosis treatment through which I will recall certain objects girls from my subconscious memory  and would talk about them to my wife Elen.

Q7) are you hopeful that your wife will  forgive you ?
A7) Ofcourse . there are some short sessions  of counselling for families of victims of addiction also .
like my wife will be attending a  seminar by Hillary clinton on "how to move on" and a special crash course by regressive women's  magzine editor and  Indian serial producer Ekta kapoor  on " Kapati parmeshwar". I am sure such efforts will be helpful.

Q8) Do you feel that your fame, money , popularity made it easy to  be falliable? do you have any advice for a common man ?
A8) Yes , money , popularity made me think ,it was all I deserved and was alright to have . for the common man I have only one advice - have your EMI's so high that you do not have time and energy and resources  to think of  EMA's.

Q9) what are EMAs?

A9) Oh!  they are  Extra marital affairs- simply .


Nb- while creating this blog  I had unchecked the adult stuff content and I still stand by it. Information  given here is purely  of academic and curiosity quencher nature.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Motherhood Thy Name Is Guilt

I vivdly remember ,that I was just out of labour room when my Mom showed me  the freshest baby I had ever seen (I mean newest arrival in  the world) and I felt no bond towards the baby and lo!!!there was this   onrush of guilt which since then I have felt umpteen times.How could I not feel the affection (mamta -to be more apt), Iam not being a good mother *guilt guilt guilt*.
The baby looked red,  his skin flaky , head elliptical   and again  the familiar feeling *guilt guilt guilt* , for  he does not look as cute as a  Johnson and Johnson baby they show in advertisement ,  I should not have refused to eat custard apple seeds powder with honey which my Mom had insisted upon and claimed that it would be good for his skin and hair .*guilt guilt guilt*.
Whenever he had a colick pain and he cried hard , I was pleading guilty to myself .Either I ate something wrong or the  baby was hungry and I did not know  or I had overfed him . Again *guilt guilt guilt*
Since then I am actually riding on a guilt trip.Now I am a mother of two so naturally guilt has doubled in its magnitude.
I feel guilty when I am taking care of younger one's needs because I am neglecting the elder one ,
similarly when I help the elder one with his HW automatically I am neglecting the younger one .
 when Kids ask  for maggi and I refuse them and give them  greens instead , I feel guilty , but when I am busy and have no time to cook and I give them maggi , its the same feeling *---*.
 Sometimes I pressurise them to study  hard and I feel guilty being pushy and sometimes I just let it go and I feel  more guilty being careless.
I have taken guilt to a level of fine art . When I was  a working  mom , I felt immensely guilty for not giving kids enough time , I always thought Quality time came from Quantity time so *---* . then I left my job and I still felt guilty , may be guiltier if possible, because now I had so much of time at hand that I gave a damn about the quality time.
I asked my mother , if she ever felt the same way  and her reply was a revealetion to me . She said "Now that you ask me about the guilt ,I feel terribly guilty that you have inherited this guilt gene from me ".
I wanted to ask my mother in law too but could not muster the courage because Iam afraid she would be feeling guilty of atleast  one thing  i. e. to allow her son to marry me.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

An open letter to SRK

I have decided to write about SRK. The poor unprudent loud mouth.He got himself into trouble once again.Appearantly Shiv sena does not beleive in "love thy neighbour "kind of balderdash.nor does it believe in "offer the other cheek" philosophy which means its Ok for our paki neighbours to do booming at another 5 * Hotel.

Dear SRK
Although you appeared totally sane, sensible and rational while you spoke about IPL and team selection , I would have respected you for saying that about any other country but- PAKIS? Man , we need to build up a public opinion within us first that Pakistan needs to be isolated from the world , from India in the least, so that they feel the need to mend their ways.

Their government should be subjected to public pressure by their own people to stop terrorism,and how do we do that ?-by putting pressure on common people there ,by severing the ties with them.Even if we know that common man in pakistan does not buy bombs from grocery stores or keep AK47 in his garage ,common man does nothing to stop it either.the public pressure will build up only when the public will feel the need to do it.

we are not faking their currency, we are not bombing their cities, we are not doing a propoganda against them the way they do on their government channel against India.(I get to see a lot of Pakistani channels here and I have seen how PTV shows documentaries regularly about Kashmir and claims that indian army is doing atrocities on kashmiri people)
we are being nice to them but being extra nice is just totally uncalled for.

Dear SRK,the Pakistani Government's stand on Taliban is divided.Self styled intellectuals like Imran Khan and many other politicians say that there are good Talibans and bad Talibans.( which implies ,Good talibans are those who do bombing outside pakistan and bad ones do within their own country). Pak Government claims that they cannot gurantee that there would not be another 26/11 in India because it is done by non state actors. This is like a notorious parent allowing their kids to do mischief at neighbour's house and what are neighbour's to do ? -the answer is , stop inviting these kids at Birthday party , the good ones as well as bad ones.
let Good kids teach the bad ones to behave.

Media is going gaga over your aboveboard stand about Pakistan because its the Shivsena on the other side of the fence and whose danda , hooliganism and threat politics is something media has always wanted to oppose .But this time for once shivsena seems to be on the right side.

Shahrukh khan is hurt that he needs to prove his patriotism , but its Ok to exhibit patriotism. . Infact we all should sing national anthem loudly,paint indian flag on face during matches ,attend 15 aug and 26 jan celebrations ,campaign for national causes.Patriotism is not a love affair to keep secret about, its meant to be exhibited and to encourage others to do so. with your kind of fan following, there is a lot you can do by speaking responsibly rather than having hundreds of police men of Mumbai to guard the 63 cinema halls.

Dear Shaharukh , tell me the truth ,Do you really think soooo much about Pakistan or is it the huge audience you have there which makes you say what you say ?
and BTW , your interview with Barakha Dutt on NDTV was very entertaining. you took 95% of the screen space and went on bla bla bla.....dishing out your raw thoughts in animated way .
Have you ever wondered how Pakistani people must be laughing away to glory to see so many Indian supporters who beleive with you that Pakistan is a great neighbour.
SRKji, you need help , you are suffering from foot into mouth disease. I think Vipshyana will do you real good. I have heard they teach you there to keep quiet for days on .The world will not fall apart if you shut up.
With my sincere wishes to you for your movie "My name is Khan"

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Home Coming and the realisation

I returned to my hometown after 12 years ,I mean not to visit but to stay . I was trying to piece together all the memories scattered around the place. I was looking for my school and collegemates on the roads, malls, bazaars and every crowded place.I even tried to trace them down by looking their names into telephone directory , all in vain.

I guess nobody stayed in India anymore.But, the city looked exactly like I had left it years ago.Only new malls and new garbage dumps were being erected in these years,both serving the same purpose ,changing the landscape of the city.

I complained to one and all , at the risk of sounding snooty , that this city has stopped growing, has not changed a bit in a while.

Then one day I went to a garden with my two kids and one of my friend's kid. kind of feeling responsible for towing 3 kids ,like a mother of three kids.And, there I saw a young girl ,a hosteler she told me later , crowded by about 10 men of all shapes , sizes and intimidating looks petrifying the girl. they all looked as if they were guys with no jobs and no purpose in life. They all were condemning her for sitting with her boyfriend in the park bench in an objectionable manner.whatever that means ........

I asked the girl what the matter was and urged the men to leave .She told me her boy friend was already taken by some men to the police station for sitting here with her , may be leaning on each other or whatever.......
The Stupid girl did not even have money with her to go back and was waiting for the benevolent custodians of culture to bring her man back safely.

I suddenly felt like a mother of 4 and did not want to leave her behind. The men were still hanging around . I saw her out of the garden and helped her catch a bus. I almost forced her as she was worried about her boyfriend and wanted to wait for him to see him safe.

I do not know what happened to her boy friend.I do not know if they both are still together. I just hope that the girl learnt her lesson to carry some money with her and be prepared to take care of herself even when she is with her boyfriend.

And suddenly I realised that the city I grew up in has changed beyond was no more the city I knew .

I realised the men loitering around in the garden were not devoid af any mission in their lives. They all had a responsible job at hand , of patching up the moral tattered fabric of the nation.